The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
MIDGETS
????
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize