I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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