After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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