have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
