and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
