I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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