I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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