just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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