soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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