my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
