i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
