so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
