I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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