dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I need moral support for this bender
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
