Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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