i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
