New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
