I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize