Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
