she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize