it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
