Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
