Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
