We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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