I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
