Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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