Barsexuality is the new black.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i drank out of a bidet.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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