There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
