Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize