Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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