the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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