I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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