i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
