New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
