how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
