I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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