she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
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