i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
