Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
