M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
