I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Randomize
