ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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