One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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