I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
