Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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