he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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