I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
