worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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