I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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