note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
