Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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