everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize