Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
