Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
