They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
