Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Can i not drive my cunt home
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
