so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
