So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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