my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I pour the whiskey from now on
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
