sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
