in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
