I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
