K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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